Either you’ve got it or you haven’t

The Art of Being Charming

WHEN I was a young man on the look-out for love, me and a mate used to hit the town on a charm offensive... I’d be charming, he’d be offensive.

He wondered why people took an instant dislike to him. I explained that it just saved time.

I, on the other hand, used to ooze charm from every orifice, so much so that I had big wet patches under my arms.

I had to go out with Vaseline on my eyebrows to stop it dripping into my eyes and on the dancefloor I used to spray charm on anyone near by.

Once outside, I couldn’t walk past a tree without all the birds in it swooping down to see me and many people I met just assumed I was a prince.

Charm is the ability to make somebody think you are pretty wonderful. It’s what everybody notices if you’ve got it and nobody notices if you haven’t.

You have to be polite, respectful, complimentary and massage the ego of those in your charm zone (mine is about four metres square).

Whoever it is you’re charming, try and find something nice to say about them, however challenging that might be.

A lady recently said to me, “Every time I look in the mirror, I see an old woman, tired and haggard.” I said, “Well there’s nothing wrong with your eyes.”

Be careful not to overdo it though as you risk becoming a bit creepy.

Even someone who’s keen to be charmed might cringe if you’re waxing lyrical about a bit of apple peel they’ve got stuck in their teeth.

Your ability to charm will depend on the amount of charisma you possess. It’s a certain magnetism which can leave people spellbound but not everyone has it I’m afraid.

My brother, for example, decided to become an accountant when he realised he didn’t have enough charisma to become an undertaker.

There are some people who are pretty resistant to charm and most of them work on reception desks.

For some reason they just don’t have the sensor which makes their knees go weak when you flash your teeth and say “hey, beautiful . . .”

Obviously, as a master of the art, they do eventually fall under my spell but even I failed to charm on one occasion.

There was only one supermarket basket left at the door of the shop as a woman and I approached from separate directions.

I said you have that sugarbum, I’m only after one thing. “Typical male,” she mumbled to herself as she walked away.

Charming, I thought.


Next week… The Art of Relaxation