What Kati did Next; Pregnant celebs: stay at home and eat lard

CAN I put in a request to the powers that be? Go on . . . it’ll make us all feel better.

I am really fed-up with seeing pregnant celebrities kicking back like the last nine months of their life has been an absolute breeze.

They look great, their hair is glossy and if I got close enough I’d probably find out they smell great too.

Oh, and they’ve had twins.

Yes Miss Jolie, I’m talking about you, all Grecian goddess and perfect hunk of a man partner.

When I was up the duff, I looked like I’d been dragged, not through a hedge but through a series of mazes, of which the head gardener had neglected to tend for a few months.

I smelt awful, I was sweating like a horse and contrary to all the books proclaiming a glossy new hair do, mine fell out in clumps. I felt like my dad. In fact I looked like my dad.

However, nowadays it’s all the rage to get yourself in the public eye, get yourself a bun in the oven and swan around looking blummin’ marvellous, accruing the wrath of every average mother to be.

I tried to look good, I really did, but on the whole the same outfit was worn for nine months and well, basically, I ended up looking like a very overweight tramp.

The other thing I can’t stand — and I hope you don’t mind me airing my frustrations in public — is the celebrities that: (a) Don’t seem to put on any weight at all when pregnant.

And (b) immediately disappear back to size zero the moment their delightful little bundle hits the bed.

Surely it’s not natural. I put on four stone and, goodness me, I’m still attempting to lose the final one — 17 months on.

One celeb, she shall remain nameless, only because I can’t actually remember her name, had a bikini modelling contract to fulfil three months, I’ll repeat that, THREE months, after giving birth.

She fulfilled it. I may not know her, but I know I hate her.

So my request to the powers that be is, if any celebrity from now on finds herself knocked up, she must stay indoors, eat lard and when she has put on four stone, only then may she appear in Hello.

Now that will make us all feel better won’t it?