It’s all a question of silly answers

HERE’S a quiz for you: which would a vampire not eat — a piece of cheesecake or a slice of garlic bread?

Reg, from Wales, suggested cheesecake. Even allowing for the fact that, in his 40s, he still lives with his mum and so enjoys a rather sheltered lifestyle, you can’t help wondering at the thought process.

Did he think the cream cheese would stick in the vampire’s fangs? Or maybe all vampires in Wales are allergic to digestive biscuit bases.

Another one: add 37 and 25. The answer’s 62 but Sonya made it 86. Like her mate, Reg, she was booted out.

I’ve been watching “The Weakest Link”. I’m addicted. Probably because I know nearly all the answers and not many of the contestants do.

“What is the ‘J’ where two roads meet?” “Jool carriageway,” replies the wannabe winner. I liked that one.

Or how about: “Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?” Yep, you guessed, the Conservative Party.

Then there was: “Vile is an anagram of which word meaning thoroughly objectionable?” “Violation” replies the no-hoper.

I would love to be Anne Robinson. Quite apart from the money and the facelifts — both of which I wouldn’t say no to — there’s the ridicule.

Yes, I know it’s unkind but the Regs and Sonyas of this world deserve a little straight talking.

Nobody’s immune to stupid answers. On “University Challenge” a team was asked: “To whom do the terms ‘Cherrypickers’ and ‘Cheesemongers’ apply?” Their answer was homosexuals, to which Jeremy Paxman replied: “No, they’re regiments in the British Army who are going to be very angry.”

If you have the audacity to go on national television ill-read, unlearned and very unstreetwise, then you deserve a good old mocking.

You’ll note I have never been on a TV quiz show. I tried to get on “Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” but after umpteen phonecalls at £2.50 a shot I realised it wasn’t me banking a cool mill.

And I’d love to take part in “EggHeads” (if only to wipe that smug grin off CJ’s face) but I haven’t got four friends to make up a team.

Him Indoors does better but he has no ambition to appear on a telly quiz show. Even if he does know the lyrics to every hit song of the 1960s and 70s. And who sang them. And who wrote them.

I suggested he entered “Mastermind” and made it his specialist subject. He declined, but I’ve got him lined up for phone a friend .

You never know when that next phonecall’s going to be successful.