It’s not a wedding, it’s just a big party

Well, I know what I’m going to be when I grow up. Absolutely anything to do with weddings.

From florist to DJ, from planner to caterer, they are on a blinking steal.

The moment you mention the word wedding you can see the mental add-on of at least 25 per cent. In fact, their eyes roll into the back of their heads and if you look hard enough you can see pound signs materialise.

I’ve started saying party.

Can we ask what the occasion is madam?

A party.

What type of party madam? A christening? An anniversary? Or a, ahem, wedding, madam?

They squirm their way in but, no, I am not having it any more.

Just a simple family gathering I say, the whole family gathering together. In one big gathering.

They look at me dubiously but I don’t care. This “family gathering” is costing us an arm and a leg.

We set ourselves a budget for this wedding.

A small one. Purposefully small.

This was to be the lo-fi wedding of the year.Paper plates, plastic glasses that kind of thing.

We started with a guest list of 75. That included his enormous family. We’re now at 160.

Please tell me how that happened? Who are all these people?

I didn’t think I knew that many people. In fact I’m sure I don’t.

I’m not very good at culling you see. If you’ve bumped into me once at the supermarket, expect an invitation through the door.

From the paper tablecloths we wanted, I’ve ended up forking out a ton for the linen version, apparently it will look so much nicer.

I’m not very good at saying no you see, so if you’ve got something you need to sell, just give me a bell.

I have found myself being swayed a lot.

So, 160 guests, linen tablecloths and caterers it is then.

Thankfully, before anyone could get their hands on the venue I booked a church hall, if I hadn’t got in there quickly, at this rate we’d be flying people down to the Ritz.

So now I have decided to lay down the law.

All right, so we’ve booked the expensive flowers and the decorations and the crystal glasses but that’s it.

No more.

Apart from the hog roast.

Oh, and the expensive dress but then I don’t mind spending on that.