How do you console a crimper like Maria?

Channel hopping: IRELAND hoppers Helen and Barry Connor must do more air miles in a week than a budget Boeing 737.

Having landed on Maria’s doorstep (again) it’s fair to say the crimper of the cobbles had more than teen rocker Ryan’s hair to worry about.

When the door-knocker did the Riverdance, there was some consolation for “Marioh” in that at least someone in Manchester was more disappointed than the hapless hairdresser herself, so there was.

City’s Argentinian striker Carlos Tevez is apparently teaching himself

English by watching “Coronation Street”.

Heaven help him. “I ‘tink’ before spewing out bile,” said Blarney Bazza to his meddling misery of a better half. Enough to make your hair curl, eh Tev.

Welcome to Manchester.

Now Tony has been found out as the man who arranged Liam’s murder, Maria has decided to up sticks and move to Ireland with the molly-coddling pair. I’ll give it a month before she comes to her senses and returns to Weatherfield.


DEADWOOD Jedward were finally sunk as the “X-Factor” hopefuls were whittled down to the final five. So, who’s your money on?

Stacey Solomon sang her socks off again. I was, like, oh my God, I’ve picked the winner . . . until Geordie Joe why-aye’d his way to a standing ovation from all-four judges. Fanks, I thought I’d like, nailed it, and everyfink.

An Essex girl with a voice . . . and a half. Stace and Joe should be fighting it out for the Christmas number one.


“EASTENDERS” prides itself on being topical. Poppies at Remembrance,

Hallowe’en nightmares galore and fireworks on Bonfire Night without fail. Even Children in Need’s Pudsey showed his furry little face on the Square last week. So when Bianca tuned in to “The One Show”, how come Brummie bear Adrian Chiles and sidekick Christine Bleakley were hosting it? In the real world, Nicky Campbell and Yappy Logan had taken over.


Soap roar: Tiger Dev and Stevey “Ballesteros” McDonald at the toffs’ golf club on Corrie. I say.


Soap bore: Lucas and Denise’s second wedding. On, off, on . . . at this rate, someone will have to give the vicar a ring.