Burglars breaking into our home deserve all they get

THE FRIDAY THING
SO, there you are, fast asleep in bed in the early hours of the morning when you get that bone-crunching dig in the ribs — and not to stop you snoring at a volume reminiscent of Concorde at full throttle.

You ignore it at first, and when she whispers: “There’s somebody downstairs”, you either pretend to be asleep or dead or mutter about the cat (which you don’t have any more) or the plumbing (not yours but the house’s) before she pulls the little bit of duvet you are allowed to try to shelter beneath to her side of the bed and insists you go and investigate.

At the foot of the stairs you see the shadow of some bulky man mountain on the kitchen wall. Now, do you invite him for a cuppa, ask if there’s anything you can do to help, offer him “the wife” or grab whatever comes to hand to defend yourself.

The would-be burglar hears your breathing (or your knees knocking) and comes running at you from the kitchen door.

You have a knife in your hand, so do you peel him an apple, cut him a piece of pie or threaten him with it while closing your eyes. As he charges towards you waving what looks like a club you push the knife out to protect yourself and he runs on to it and stabs himself in the chest.

When the police and ambulance arrive, the robber is taken to hospital and you finish up in the police interview room.

Our pal and prime minister, hamster-cheeked chubby Dave, has said that we citizens have a right to protect ourselves from anyone breaking into our home to steal from us or do us or our family harm.

The law says that we should use only “appropriate force” (does Dave, guarded by dozens of the nation’s finest, determine what is appropriate and, if so, how does he know?)

When the burglar dies you are charged with murder even though there is not a jury in the land (unless populated by those who enjoy the privilege of protection) who would convict you; who would expect you to weigh up just what is appropriate force needed to protect your nearest and dearest.

This is not a unique event. Last week a householder found himself in exactly that position and at the weekend a shopkeeper who was confronted by an armed robber and, seeking only to defend himself, his wife and his business attacked the intruder and was arrested and charged for his pains.

Surely anyone who breaks into your home or business intent on doing harm deserves all he gets.

The do-gooders who would defend him, blaming the drugs and alcohol he has forced down his neck by the indifference of an uncaring society (what utter tosh) are not acquainted with the sheer terror brought into the house by an intruder.



WOMEN wanting a sperm donor (and it is not up to me a mere man to comment on on the rights or wrongs of the process or even to speculate on the merits of a turkey baster against the, shall we say, more frequently-used delivery system) are going upmarket.
In days gone by any old sperm would do, it seems, although women paying top whack for a donation might be given a clue as to the donor’s height or hair colour.

How things have moved on. Now, it seems, women can, in the manner of lonely hearts ads, seek out a sperm that offers a man with GSOH, softly spoken, quirky and artistic or with an interest in art, music and foreign travel.

Now you might be wondering quite how all these traits can be judged from sperm. After all, if you’ve seen one sperm you have effectively seen them all and they don’t offer much of a clue as to whether the owner will do the washing up, help with the cooking and the housework or whether he will have lots of money and a nice car.

Nor will it tell you if he likes dogs or cats, or will be a two-timing philanderer. Or whether or not he carries some terrible disease.

An on-line brochure will enable women to pick the sperm of their dreams. It (the brochure not the sperm) contains written statements by each donor (again shades of lonely hearts ads) with details of his personality, interests and fashion sense (that lets most of us out, sadly). Whether there is any trace of exaggeration in these statements, the sperm is not saying but as it’s from a man, women will draw their own conclusions.

I don’t suppose there are entries in the catalogue that say the donor is a golf-playing, cricket, football and rugby fanatic who enjoys nights in the pub, weeks or weekends away with the boys and will have the Sky Sport TV remote grafted on to his hand.

How soon do you think it will be before women’s eggs are subject to such scrutiny? Maybe women have more sense.


FINAL WORD: We have all surely been shaken by the horror in Norway.
What makes it particularly worrying for us is that the bigoted lunatic who shot and killed so many children has friends in Britain. He sounds for all the world like a member of the English Defence League or the BNP but with a foreign accent. Scary.