All the fun of the fair...

JANUARY, it is said, is the month when the footballing world goes mad as teams scramble around to make that one key signing which could clinch them titles, promotions or survival.

But this February has been somewhat surreal. It’s been like visiting a funfair with the family as a child and staring in wonder at what you see before you.

The fairground excursion starts with a blizzard, blanket snow covering pitches up and down the country and causing even venues with undersoil heating to call off matches.

Then you come face-to-face with the agile and age-defying Dean Windass, donning the goalie gloves for Oldham and keeping runaway League One leaders Leicester City at bay. Does that now put him in front of Rob Green in the England pecking order?

Next it is time to “roll up, roll up” and see the Mysterious Edwin. A tall Dutchman, usually on show in Manchester, with the magical capability of filling an entire goal so that nothing shall pass.

He is apparenly now the best Britain has ever seen at such a trick - but David Blaine is planning an audacious attempt to break the record.

Continue round the fairground and you will stumble across Marvellous Martin of Aston Villa. This is an amazing sight. A small, irate Irishman bouncing around all over the place. No one can seem to stop him - and it is believed he may soon displace Arsene ‘I Didn’t See It’ Wenger as one of the countries top four attractions.

This is followed by a spin on the Chelsea managerial roundabout, a dangerous ride which unseats people far too often.

The proprietor of the attraction is apparently a shy-away Russian who only wants his friends to ride on the roundabout.

The next person in line for a spin is Guus Hiddink - and it remains to be seen if he can hold on for long enough. Maybe they should replace the roundabout with a Bucking Bronco.

And it’s not just football providing the spectacle.

Revel in amazement as England’s finest cricketing talents do their best to impersonate a gaggle of drunken middle-aged men playing an innings in the beer garden. Believe me, it is very convincing.

Meanwhile, Tony McCoy has played the donkey derby on many occasions and has now won a staggering 3,000 times.

Surely that gives him enough tokens for a novelty teapot? Or maybe even enough to buy the winning ride at this year’s Grand National.

Thankfully, Funfair February will be around in your neck of the woods for another couple of weeks yet. I wonder what new attractions might be added before the show packs up for the year?