Damp squibs and dodgy costumes . . .

A FARCICAL contest featuring performers predominantly dressed all in white, spectators more interested in drinking games than the events themselves and a conclusion so foregone that even the betting exchanges ground to a halt.

Yes, you guessed it — this is a reference not to the Eurovision Song Contest, but the damp squib of a Test match between England and the West Indies in Durham.

If this is the best way to prepare for an Ashes series, then I’m an MP who neglected to lodge an expenses claim for a fancy new telly.

Bearing in mind the Windies side of not too many years ago featured the likes of Courtney Walsh and Curtly Ambrose backing up the sturdy batting of Brian Lara and Richie Richardson, watching the current lot is disheartening.

Undoubted progress that has been made in the last couple of years seems to be seeping away at a rapid rate. The morale of the tourists can hardly be helped when their captain Chris Gayle — a man so horizontal he can be used as a rudimentary spirit level — summons the energy to declare that Test cricket isn’t really his bag any more.

In fairness to Gayle, playing a two-match series, the second of which is in Durham amid painfully empty stands and against a backdrop of a slate-grey sky, wouldn’t be my idea of fun either.

As far as England are concerned, in terms of readying the team for the visit of Australia this series is a bit like taking in a spot of crazy golf on Blackpool Pleasure Beach before teeing off in The Open at Turnberry. Heaven help us.

Back to Eurovision, this was the first time I have ever watched it all the way through (rock and roll, eh?) and it begged a question.

Was even this devalued competition, featuring more dodgy voting, genuinely frightening costumes and an even more terrifying appearance from Andrew Lloyd Webber — his face looks like a possessed sack of potatoes — more interesting than the cricket?

I know which one of the two I’d rather pay £50 to watch.


BOLTON boss Gary Megson was reportedly upset at the antic of relegation-threatened Hull City at the weekend.

Megson alleges that a member of the Tigers coaching staff spoke to referee Peter Walton at half-time to have a word about Kevin Davies, who was later booked for a challenge in front of the dugouts which prompted an angry response from City manager Phil Brown.

It is hard to feel much sympathy for Megson, seeing as battering-ram Davies leads the all-time Premier League list for fouls committed.


NOTE to Liverpool overlord Rafa Benitez: the bloke behind the best team in the country — by definition, the one which has picked up the most Premier League points — goes by the name of Sir Alex Ferguson.

Surely it can’t be all that painful to say a deserved “well done” to Fergie, even if it is through gritted teeth?