Next stop South Africa . . .

AS GLEN Johnson dawdled on the ball during England’s sleepy start at the weekend, headline writers the world over were primed for action.

‘An Almaty mess’, or some variant thereof, was the obvious line to be spun from what could easily have been a calamitous start to the World Cup qualifier in Kazakhstan’s largest city.

Had striker Sergei Ostapenko — who, we were told by the intrepid commentator on numerous occasions, was the spitting image of former Everton striker Bob Latchford — made any sort of connection with Zhambyl Kukeyev’s cross in the opening seconds, then the character of Borat would have serious competition as the biggest figure of fun to emerge from the world’s largest landlocked country.

England escaped, as they did later in the first half when West Ham goalkeeper Robert Green, the worst replacement for David James since the last one, Scott Carson, allowed the offside Latchford to plant a header beyond him.

A few angry barked orders and outlandish gesticulations later, it all came right for coach Fabio Capello as his side made it six wins from six competitive matches with a 4-0 victory.

Another three-point haul against Andorra tomorrow night and it is hard to envisage England failing to qualify for South Africa 2010.

Considering the troubles that predecessor Steve McClaren had with the national team, the turnaround under the schoolmaster-type Capello has been astonishing, give or take a few shaky moments like those on display early on in in Almaty.

It seems that all our obscenely-paid stars ever needed to get them playing properly was a proverbial (and possibly literal) kick up the backside — not a job there would have been much trouble filling had supporters been invited to apply.

Speaking of fans, it was amazing to see how many had travelled to watch the Kazakhstan game, an 8,000-mile round trip in a city lying further east than Baghdad.

Some had an easier time of it that others. Pity the poor bloke from Rochdale, shot in the leg after a dispute in a bar.

The moral of that story is: if the locals of a small drinking establishment in Bishkek, capital of neighbouring Kyrgystan — a country desperately in need of a few vowels, if not a selection of loud England-related ditties — ask you to stop singing, you should stop singing.

Incidentally, cursory research indicates that a train exists taking the following route: Bishkek, Almaty, Siberia. You wouldn’t want to miss your stop.

mattchambers@oldham-chronicle.co.uk