Warmongers brave with lives of others

THE FRIDAY THING: WHAT is it about politicians and talking up the opportunity of waging war?


I am sure they would be far less keen if they themselves had to go and fight, instead of cowering in secret bunkers under London and the Home Counties, aptly named because it is where most of our leaders actually have their homes (sometimes first, second or even third).

Anthony Eden (for we old fogies who remember him) took us into a senseless and totally unjustified war in Egypt and from which we had to retreat in shame; Margaret Thatcher sent troops to the Falklands; Tony Blair and the infamous “weapons of mass destruction” deception sent our brave lads and lassies into Iraq; we were sucked into a surely unwinable war in Afghanistan, where the death toll has already risen to 400, and now David Cameron is at it, talking about Iran “trying to build missiles capable of hitting London”. Perhaps he’s been talking to Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell...

Sounding more like Blair than Blair himself, Cameron told the Commons: “Nothing is off the table”.

And even Nick Clegg threw a conversational hand grenade into the issue this week when he said that Britain was at risk from a nuclear attack. He spoke darkly about a dirty bomb and how we could not afford to ignore the threat.

And, of course, all this comes at a time when we are reducing our armed forces, selling off our battleships and generally behaving in a way that suggests we have suddenly become a hippy nation of love and peace.

Wouldn’t we really be better concentrating on peace on our streets rather than sending young men and women off to die in wars fought in distant and different nations in which we really have no right and no place to intervene?



Nearer to home we had, not a war surely, but perhaps a coup d’état.

There was University Campus Oldham with its young, eager to learn and enlightened crew sailing along on the oceans of academia when up hove the battleship Oldham College to board her, take charge of goods and chattels and capture the surprised and startled UCO crew.

Will there be swabbing of the decks?

The new skipper, Alun Francis, flowing locks blowing in the wind like serpents’ tails, said of his new young captives: “There is no difference in the quality of their experience”.

But there was no mention of rations of rum or splicing the mainbrace — which is just as well really, as “Treasure Island” language was not on the UCO navigation charts. With this latest raid, Capt Francis is building up a small armada of his own. Not only does he now skipper the good ships UCO and Oldham College, but also has SS Waterhead Academy sailing under his banner.

Whether he has plans to add to his fleet is not certain, but local pet shops report a big increase in the sale of parrots.



AN alarming change to what we like to consider is at the very heart or the British way of life.

There is talk at Westminster of secret court and inquest hearings suggested by Ken Clarke (it really is time he left the political scene).

Mr Clarke wants us to put aside centuries of open justice to satisfy the Americans and, worryingly, is speaking for the whole coalition that wants to extend secret hearings to all civil proceedings and inquests.

Secret justice offers special protection for the few and is against the interests of the many. It is worryingly significant that it has so much support among MPs.



FINAL WORD: Always anxious to spread the word about health and its many foibles, I came across a new illness, sexsomnia, at the weekend.

And no, I am not a sufferer. But I am indebted to that organ of resounding good taste, The Sun, for the revelation that sexsomnia is an affliction which means women can have enthusiastic or even frenzied sex with their partner during the night and not be able to remember it in the morning.

Most women will empathise with parts of this affliction. They often have unmemorable sex — but they don’t put it down to sexsomnia. Hey-ho.