Another horror story waiting to unfold?

WATCHING the new slasher film The Strangers this weekend reminded me that in the right circumstances, not learning from past mistakes can be a virtue.

The basic plot has a trio of unidentified masked strangers terrorising a couple at a very isolated country house.

When such a situation occurs, logic has it that the imperilled should obey a few basic rules.

Always look back over both shoulders after entering a room, watch out for booby traps that will leave you hobbling around on one leg for the remainder of the running time, and never, ever, split up to go walkabout.

Had the lovers managed to avoid such pitfalls, though, there probably wouldn’t have been a film worth watching. If the duelling factions ended up sitting in a circle sipping Earl Grey and talking about feelings rather than splattering each other’s blood all over the walls, dramatic tension would have drained away.

Thankfully, the doomed, daft duo had clearly never bothered to learn the lessons of the genre and the film proceeded along typical Hollywood lines.

Part of the appeal of such dramas is that shouting at the screen won’t do anything to help the characters escape their inevitable fate. Everyone knows where they stand, expectations are met, and the audience goes home satisfied.

This is a similar experience to that of watching the England football team. We look on through our fingers, knowing how bad the ending is going to be. But we still watch.

Even the appointment of Fabio Capello hasn’t moved the team away from the terrible fare we have become so accustomed to. The Italian seems to differ very little from the previous man in the director’s chair, Steve McClaren (now available with a special foreign accent for extra creepiness).

With John Terry installed as captain, the defence still creaks and groans like the floorboards in the house on haunted hill.

With Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard in midfield, the team’s engine has once again had its vital wires cut to render it immobile.

And with Wayne Rooney up front, there are still more growls and gurns than a peckish zombie.

Two vital World Cup qualifiers against Andorra and Croatia await the national team next week.

Those who are optimistic about the chances of coming away with six points should consider that Capello has called up Fulham midfielder Jimmy Bullard to his squad. Clearly a top bloke and a very good player, but also one with a face only the most devoted mother could love.

Imagine him standing there shining a torch up into his chin in a darkened room, if you don’t want to sleep at night.

England are still horrific in every way, but the drama of it all remains compelling.




THE Challenge Cup final was a riveting occasion at Wembley, with the only thing that jarred on a glorious summer’s day being the attendance figure.



Officially, there were 82,281 packed in. There was a fair bit of fancy dress around on the day, so I’ll give the benefit of the doubt that a few thousand fans came disguised as red plastic seats.