The art of... being sporty

THE first thing you need if you’re going to be sporty is a tracksuit. Shiny, if possible, and tucked into some football socks.

This is what you have to wear all the time, especially for things like court appearances and funerals when you’ve no intention of playing any sport.

When the action starts though, it’s time to reveal the real attire. If you’re a man, tight white shorts and white legs are the optimum outfit. Ideally, opponents should have to squint to see where the legs begin and the shorts end. Ladies, I suggest matching lycra leggings and t-shirt which also matches your baggy jumper and eye shadow.

So you’ve got the clothes, now you need a sport and you have the choice of team or individual. Being part of a team means you get to share the highs and lows. Individual means you get all the glory but can’t blame humiliating defeats on anyone else.

You might decide to join a gym first to get fit. You’ll spend your introductory session nodding intently at someone with a clipboard as they show you the settings on an exercise bike and existing members mumble that you won’t last long. Once settled you can attempt to bench press the weight of a small island or go to the “legs, chins and bingo wings” class.

Running works out a bit cheaper than the gym because all you need is a road and some legs. If you’re coordinated enough to do something with your hands at the same time you might like racket sports. Squash, especially, is perfect if you enjoy getting sweat in your eyes.

Whatever team sport you play your aim should be not to get picked last. The only thing worse than that is the, “No, seriously, you have him, we’ll play a man down” conversation.

Other possibles are extreme sports like kite surfing and mother-in-law baiting, but it’s also worth noting that snooker and darts aren’t sports, they’re just excuses to go to the pub.

Rugby league is my chosen sport and in my prime I was known as a bit of a crowd pleaser. When I had the ball you got the feeling that either team could score.

Sadly, for anyone sporty, age eventually catches up and I knew it was happening to me when a spectator inquired about my concrete boots. I can still change a game though. The other week I went on as sub and it was nil-nil. Ten minutes later, we were 18-0 down.

For older sports enthusiasts, the best way to improve is to retire. Within a few weeks you’ll be twice the player you used to be, within a decade you will have been an absolute world beater who has no equal in the modern game. It’s something I’m having to consider.

Next time … The Art of being Comfortable