Putting your best foot forward

When children dream of Olympic glory, it may be success in the walking event that they imagine.

Forget the 100 metres sprint or the swimming or the curling, fast walking is where it’s at. You have to scrunch your face up, throw your elbows about frantically and always have one foot touching the ground.

This is walking at it’s fastest and not everyone has the discipline to make it to the top.

Most people couldn’t resist the urge to start running, especially when they have to go round the track at the end. “Just run!” the crowd are shouting. But you can’t. “Just run!” they scream. “Not yet.” you mumble through gritted teeth, “Not yet.” because you’re walking to Olympic gold.

Of course, other forms of walking are available. You’ll need at least two legs if you want to do it in the traditional way. Generally, it’s one foot in front of the other in a forward direction but if you’ve had a few drinks it could be three forward, one to the side, one backwards and then three forwards again.

Walking is the most basic and common mode of transportation for humans which is why it’s good for them to learn young.

Not that they’ll need it once they start school though because the modern way is to carry them to the car and drive to the end of the street, carry them into the school and place them on their little chair. The type of walk you employ will depend on circumstances and the company that you keep. I prefer sidling and ambling which means I’m not a great walking buddy for someone who’s into creeping or striding.

Some walks are a giveaway that you’ve been taking part in certain activities or that you need to. The LBT walk is how ladies gingerly cross a room the day after doing Legs, Bums and Tums while the Desperado is where your knees are clamped together in a forlorn attempt to make it to the loo.

Lots of people like to go out for a nice walk. In fact, it’s rare you hear anyone announce they’re setting off for a horrible one.

It’s a chance to stretch your legs, breathe in some fresh air and appreciate your surroundings. In some parts of Oldham it might be a better idea just to stick your head out for a quick look then get the door locked quick.

Walking away can be hard, especially if it’s uphill, but you should always walk tall, as if you’re walking the line back to happiness in sunshine.

Popular as walking is, there’s only one person in history who’s ever walked on water. Unfortunately though, as no-one saw me do it, I’ve struggled to convince anyone that it actually happened.

Next week: The Art of being deluded.