And the winner is... me!

The Art of Being AWARD WINNING:

I don’t have to tell you that my mantlepiece is jam-packed.

“Not another one,” I’m regularly heard to say, “I’ll melt them down when I get to a hundred and start again.”

“Do you mean a hundred thousand?” comes the reply. “Yes.” is my answer.

I began early you see, with the Cutest New Arrival award at hospital 15 minutes after my birth, closely followed by the Most Piercing Scream and Most Spectacular First Sick.

The Nation’s Least Interesting Nine-Year-Old was a highlight. My parents were actually awarded compensation for that.

All you have to do is be the best at, worst at or the most of, something.

It doesn’t matter what it is, there’ll be some kind of award for it and you don’t always have to be worthy of it either.

Kerry Katona won Celebrity Mum of the Year after all and John Terry’s is apparently in the running for Best Friend of the Year.

You know who’s got Most Popular MP with the Commoners in Second Class in the bag don’t you? Yes, it’s Sir Nicholas Winterton.

It’s customary to pretend you’re surprised to have won and the one thing you can’t do is claim all the credit. Even if it’s Rear of the Year, you have to thank your parents and possibly your great-great-grandmother if she was known for having a fantastic behind.

Acceptance speeches vary in length and quality but you can’t go wrong with the tried and tested script of: “Gosh.” Headshake. “Wow!” Look at the award and shake head again. “Who’d have thought I’d win? Me! What’s it for again?”

Before the Oscars, nominees are taken into a room and asked not to spend ages thanking loads of people nobody has ever heard of.

The warning about them not humiliating themselves by crying for an hour isn’t quite so necessary after the Gwyneth Paltrow spectacular a few years ago.

The “you know who your are” thank-you covers all bases and saves any thought ahead of time but if you see someone you don’t like in the audience and they’re nodding, you may have to point at them and say “not you.”

Being constantly award-winning is lovely but you shouldn’t let a desire for awards motivate your life.

If you instead aim to be the best you can possibly be, you can relax and wait for the awards to follow.

You’re probably thinking, a bit like you Kev, with the World Columnist of the Decade Award. Astonishingly, I didn’t even get nominated for that.


::Next week: The art of sulking