A hiding to nothing for the moody

THE ART OF SULKING:

As a general rule, there are two kinds of sulks. Those which come on all of a sudden and begin with a dramatic crossing of arms or a big storm off and those which arrive gradually as you basically mutter yourself into a stew over time.

However you come to begin sulking, at the moment you decide that’s what you’re going to do, you have to contort your face in a way which suggests you’ve just caught whiff of a particularly putrid smell.

Storming off is by far my favourite route into a sulkathon. Within a couple of steps you should think about where you’re heading. It has to be somewhere you can be found or there’s no point. If you’re too well hidden it’ll be difficult for the person who’s caused the huff to chase after you and beg your forgiveness with the grovelling apology you undoubtedly deserve.

A good rule of thumb is to find somewhere where they can see you but you can’t see them. Under the bed covers fits the bill but if steep stairs are involved in your storm off it can be difficult to breathe under the covers.

To be found sulking in bed with your head visible and gasping for air will undermine your victim status.

A good place is under the coats if you’re lucky enough to have some lined up on a row of hooks. Your top half should be well covered but your legs are visible and there’s also a very good chance it’s downstairs.

Spend the first few minutes of your sulk re-inforcing your views about your victimisation. Imagine yourself forcefully explaining to the cause of your strop how hurt and upset you are and how next time their favourite programme is on telly you’ll insist on watching something else to see how they like it.

Traditional sulking involves cutting off your nose in order to spite your face. I’d suggest those who think it is a needlessly self-destructive over-reaction to a problem have obviously never emerged victorious after three days under the coats.

However determined to suffer you are, there will come a moment in every sulk when you have to decide it is time to come out of it. You can dismiss the possibility a couple of times by shaking your head and saying “no!” but unless you’re going to sulk for the rest of your life it will eventually have to end.

If it’s been a quick and extravagant entrance into it then it can be over just as quickly but the sulks which come on gradually may take years to disappear.

The worst thing you can do to someone in a sulk is accuse them of being childish. That will only make them dig their little heels in further.

Best plan is to ignore them or make them laugh. If they’re sulking over a misunderstanding a little teasing could help but if they’ve fallen out with you because you’ve just stolen their husband or wife, saying “Come on silly…” might not do the trick.


Next week: The art of being understood