My beef over TV cookery

PAV’S PATCH: BACK on one of my (many) soapboxes this week. I’m returning to the subject of television cookery programmes and specifically, “Masterchef”.

As I’ve said before, I used to like the programme in the old days when it was broadcast on Sunday afternoons and hosted by Lloyd Grossman. It was an altogether gentler show than the new format.

It now has two hosts — John Torode and Gregg Wallace — and I have to confess that I find them both a little frightening. Torode is apparently Australian but sounds South African.

From what I’ve seen of him, he has no charm, seldom smiles and, frankly, I find him reminiscent of the sort of baddy Dr Who would come up against. You know, the type of bloke who has had his soul sucked out by evil aliens.

His co-host, Gregg Wallace, is equally unsettling. He has a shaven head, and a sort of two-tier skull with an upper storey at the back. I find there’s always an air of menace about him, possibly because of the Kray-esque accent.

Before I sat down to write this column I did some research into him and was staggered to find out that he once appeared on a BBC television programme called “Just the Two of Us” in which he tried to sing alongside Carol Decker of T’Pau. I can’t claim to be surprised that he was the first one voted off.

But the key thing that gets me about today’s “Masterchef” is that it’s so far up itself it should be coming out of Wallace’s double-deck cranium.

In one of the heats, Torode made a dish of many flavours and was appalled that a woman thought there might have been curry powder in it. Obviously, only we poor, course, unsophisticated types would bother with such stuff.

As for the food, I find the odd dessert appealing, but by and large I wouldn’t touch any of it, even the meals cooked in the posh restaurants.

They start off looking good but then you find that your steak is swimming in gooseberry juice rather than being accompanied by chips. And what’s all that presentation stuff about? Drizzling the plate with strange coloured juices?

If I remember correctly, one of the semi-finalists tried Stilton ice cream. What?

Actually, I was impressed by the little Geordie woman who got her Victoria sponge wrong cooking for the Women’s Institute and glued two whole cakes together with about a pound of cream. She would have got my vote.