Secret blacklist of moaning residents

THE FRIDAY THING:

NEVER mind all this hacking intrigue, the real worry of the weekend is whether Oldham Council has a blacklist (assuming we’re allowed to say blacklist) of local residents who complain.

Apparently — and this is quite scary — thousands of people who have disagreed with their local council (I should think that is probably more like millions) have their personal details stored on a computer.

Even good folk who have had words with the binmen could find themselves on this list of undesirables. Without even looking at the council’s computer I could probably name a few myself.

If Oldham has a list it could well include Warren Bates, Dickiethebrickie, John Parker, the majority of our letter writers and, well, me.

Apparently councils all over the country operate these databases that include such vital information as details of household pets, nicknames and distinguishing features as well as car registration numbers.

What they would do if they discovered that you kept a crocodile in your garden pond and a hungry brown bear in that cupboard under the stairs I am not sure, but I somehow doubt if you’d get a visit by someone from the council, unless David Attenborough happened to be paying a visit.

The number of councils that keep this information of people who, they believe (or who some clipboard-carrying jobsworth believes) pose a “significant threat of physical or mental harm to a council employee” is growing by the week.

According to the Information Commissioner (no, he’s not there to tell you the time, the whereabouts of the nearest open lavatory or where you can buy the cheapest pint) councils have to inform residents who are on the database and why.

No doubt to keep down the number of council staff who finish up with a black eye, the commissioner says that if councils believe that telling a resident that he or she is on the undesirables list would lead to violence they don’t need to tell him or her that they are in the naughty corner.

So in other words, you could be on the list as a nuisance who disturbs the calm efficiency of council staff (or interrupts Charlie’s afternoon tea and scone) and not know anything about it.




THE latest wisdom handed down from Mount Olympus by the scientific boffins is that the secret of a longer life could well be dog food. Not cat food, birdseed or carrots for the rabbit, but a tin of Bounce keeps bereavement away.



The secret of a longer life discovered in America is not considered safe for you and me yet but could well finish up in pet food for Fido and Tiddles.

There are significant possibilities in this. I mean, if your dog or cat is going to outlive you, could he, she or it be trained to look after you in your old age?

Could the cat do the cooking and the cleaning while the dog did all the dirty deeds like sorting out the commode and putting out the bin?

Will the dog take you for a walk (you’ll have to train it not to use your Zimmer frame when it cocks its leg, for fear of rust).

Will it be the dog or the cat that gives you a nip for being naughty if you leave a puddle on the carpet? And the big question, of course; who will have the TV remote?

Smarty-pants Bill Andrews (a pretty common name for a decidedly uncommon chap) is coming over from America to Cambridge next month to reveal the secrets of his elixir of eternal life for your pets and it could mean real job opportunities for all those who watch “The Dog Whisperer” on telly and think that they have the calm assertive energy (or an electric collar and a hefty stick) to teach him or her to run the kennel (I mean house, at least while you are still in it).

Heaven knows who’s going to train the cat. A braver man than me.




FINAL WORD: Well, the love affair between Oldham and Rochdale councils didn’t last the course.



There will be no white (or even murky) wedding. But who did the deed? Charlie, ever the gent, said that both sides had decided that the marriage wouldn’t work. Messrs Grabbit, Baggit and Scram will now decided what to do about the £20 million pre-nuptial agreement. At least they will profit.